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From the Bench: control


Domestic Relationships Are Complicated—


From the Bench

If you really love something, turn it loose.
If the love is real, it will return.

VERY DAYE the justice courts issue many, many orders of protection. An Order of Protection involves domestic violence or the threat of domestic violence. The court will issue an order keeping two people apart to avoid violence, but unfortunately people return again to a violent situation. Control is a form of domestic violence.

Many people do not even recognize they are being controlled. Mental abuse is devastating to so many people.  There seems to be an inherent need in some men to want to control their spouse or girlfriend.

Quite often when someone is requesting an Order of Protection, I ask them if their spouse or boyfriend is controlling them. They normally say, “No.” I then ask them the following questions, and they realize they are being controlled.

Domestic Violence is very obvious when they are involved in anger or violence; it is less obvious when the abuse is “Control.”  Both are equally devastating.

Control through Over-Protection
“ I love you so much that I do not want you to get hurt.”

Control through Money —
I will keep all the money and give you an allowance.

Control Through Contact with Others—
Isolating you from new and old friends and family.  Moving your residence can be a form of control.


Control through Decisions
Making all the choices.  Where to go and who to see.

Control through Transportation—
I love you so much that I want to drive you everywhere you need to go, you don’t need a car.

Control through Criticism—
They say,” I am trying to make you better,” but in fact they destroy your self esteem and pride.

Control through Ignoring Your Needs—
Your needs physical, mental and material needs are important to your well being.

Control can be very violent or it can be as innocent as “Bring me a cup of coffee.” If he always knows what’s best, tell him you want out of the relationship.

If you suspect someone in your relationship is trying to control you, get some professional help.
If you truly love something, turn it loose.
If the love is real, it will return. . .

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